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From:

whose_son_am_i

A smile, one that gave no indication about whether he'd recognized everything he'd done with the test. More for her words. "It's not that complicated I don't think, but it's speculation mostly based on what I've been tracking and researching. We can discuss it some other time. My point is, I think you're safe to use the crystal to wish for things."

From:

magusrobin

“That’s… good to know.”

The crystal works, and while she could take Loki’s word for it - she had no reason to distrust him otherwise - she would have to make a decision sooner or later.

“I feel like… I need to stop being stagnant. But I’m not sure what that looks like right now.”

She took a sip of the iced tea. All she knew for sure was that she hated feeling like she couldn’t help the people who had shown her kindness here. It was as simple as that. Any other ramifications that might come from her choices would have to be dealt with when they arrived.

Edited Date: 2024-08-27 07:10 pm (UTC)

From:

whose_son_am_i

He listened, and took a drink of his iced tea. Blue-green eyes met her own though, with her words, and one eyebrow raised. Oh Chise, this is the wrong person to confess that to. Or perhaps the best person, if you want to fix it. Lowering his glass, he kept his attention on her.

"First, I would agree. Stagnation is rarely a good thing. That is part of our larger problem here--we're all stagnating because we can't properly deal with the overall problem and effect change and growth. Second, what would it look like. Not right now, but in general. How would you define not being stagnant while being here?"

From:

magusrobin

“In general…” Loki’s question didn’t have an easy answer, not for Chise. Her gaze trailed to the glass, watching as condensation built, a water droplet trailing down the side, leaving a streak in the otherwise cloudy surface.

That question… it kept building up something akin to guilt in her. Because she knew the answer wasn’t simple, but she also knew that her perception of it was wrong.

The truth… that would at least help Loki to understand, she hoped.

“In the simplest terms, i guess I would say ‘being useful’ to everyone here. I’ve always struggled with that - equating my worth with usefulnesses. And I’ve been told by so many people that it isn’t a healthy way to think of myself.” Even BB had called Chise out on that, in her own way. “But… I still don’t understand why. Or feeling like, because it applies to me, I can’t accept it.”

Chise knew that much - that she could easily afford others the grace that she couldn’t give herself. Sacrificing herself in some form to benefit others… it was something she did without thinking, instinctually, almost like breathing.

“Elias told me… that my selfish requests are never for myself. But I’m not sure I agree with that. Even now, not wanting to be stagnant… be ‘useful’ to everyone here… is more for my own benefit. To ease what I’m feeling, more than to provide something for someone else.”

Even if, somewhere deep down, Chise could argue the logic in that - that helping others could be beneficial for both sides, somehow she couldn’t accept it without her own sacrifice.

She blushed suddenly, somewhat embarrassed. “I’m sorry if that doesn’t make much sense. I’m… still figuring it out.”

From:

whose_son_am_i

He listened patiently and attentively, though he also made sure they both had food too on their plates and bowls. Loki let her take her time, and he didn't respond right away when she finished. Giving her some space, although there was an amused little laugh at her apology.

"Figuring it out is good, so long as that process isn't the end goal." After a certain point, that became an excuse and crutch. Because one would never stop figuring it out really.

"From what I know about your upbringing and life, I'm not surprised that you equate your worth with how useful you are. It's not healthy, as you should value yourself for yourself. But I can see it's difficult for you to accept that, because you don't value yourself for yourself. You value yourself as a thing for others. You define your worth by someone else's standards and how much they value you for what you can do." Letting that all sit for a few seconds.

"Likewise, your requests are selfish and yet, not--as you recognize. Yes, you're doing for others, but you also are doing it because that's the only way you know how to value yourself. That kind of self-awareness is very good and rare, for what it's worth. Although I will remind you there's also nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes." With one half of his mouth curling up into a smile.

"More to your point, so to you--being not stagnant would be 'being useful' to everyone here. How do you define being useful, then? Also, eat."

From:

magusrobin

Chise listened patiently, thinking it over. Loki was right, in quite a few things - her ‘figuring things out’ was not the end goal. It was a goal, but not where she ultimately would stop.

“Oh, right.” She didn’t want to waste the food that he had brought, so she took a plate, making sure to grab a bit of each, before politely taking a bite. “Thank you for the food.”

As she made sure to alternate between eating and talking from now on, she thought. “It’s… difficult in both aspects, I think. I’ve had so many people tell me to value myself, that they don’t expect things from me and yet… it doesn’t sink in. Not fully enough. My body often moves before my brain has processed it, in certain situations. So… I’m not sure what ‘being useful’ would look like here. I just get the feeling that I would know if I had done something.”

It wasn’t helpful, she knew, as the terms to define situations like that varied.

From:

whose_son_am_i

"You're overthinking it." Loki said, but he didn't mean it to be dismissive. "Or perhaps not thinking certain things through enough. How do you define being useful. You say you'd get a feeling you'd know. But that's not enough to figure it out. If you're going to actually and actively figure it out, give yourself concrete things to do."

Loki paused to let her consider that, while having some of the food himself. He'd brought good stuff and planned to enjoy it. He also doubted she'd accept, but he'd brought wine as well to share.

"Others may not expect anything. But what matters here is what you expect, and what you want. No one is going to tell you or make it easy."

From:

magusrobin

Loki was right in that Chise stayed away from the wine, but she did enjoy the other options he had brought.

“I know. I know you’re right.” She stared down at her plate, thinking it through. Letting out a sigh. “I thought I was starting to figure it out… what I want… but overall, that doesn’t seem achievable here.” After all, the people that she considered her home were far removed from this place. But the long-term wasn’t only what Loki was asking about. Instead of answering, however, she asked a question of her own.

“How do you separate kindness from repayment?” It might have seemed obvious, from what Loki knew so far, but she was even having a difficult time telling herself not to figure out some way to ‘pay’ Loki back for the meal. That company and good conversation was probably payment enough for him. But she couldn’t help it. “Elias always says… as a mage, you can’t offer kindness without recompense. And while I’m not just a mage… I can’t help but follow those rules.”

And yet, even before she had been saved by Elias, everything in her life had been transactional. The people around her hadn’t wanted anything to do with her, so she had tried to make her existence so small so as to not be bothersome to others.

From:

whose_son_am_i

"Well, let me ask you a question in return. Are you acting as a mage, when you offer kindness or recompense? If you always feel the need to repay, are you then always acting as a mage?" He understood, given what he knew about her life so far, she might still feel things should be transactional. But he was hoping to help her tease it out herself. Figure out the finer points.

Edited Date: 2024-08-28 07:46 pm (UTC)

From:

magusrobin

“I don’t think so. I think… when I’m wanting to do something kind… I’m doing it as myself.” It wasn’t that being a mage meant you couldn’t be kind, it just meant you had to be more cautious of the gifts you imparted. “Even though Elias isn’t here, I’m still his apprentice. That makes me a mage… in training, at least. So his advice is always at the back of my mind.”

Maybe, she thought, it would be easier if she didn’t think of Elias while she was here. Didn’t think of home. But Chise already knew that wasn’t possible for her. Everything she had accomplished since she had met him, every step that she had taken since then… it wasn’t just under her own power. Elias had saved her, making it possible, and the people she had met along the way had given her support. So she couldn’t just discard him like that.

“Likewise, does not using magic mean you aren’t a magic user? Does being yourself mean you aren’t abiding by the rules and mannerisms you’ve been taught?”

Anther question that Chise wasn’t sure of the answer to. And she wasn’t wanting to grill Loki, but she was curious of the answer. Then, for good measure, she took a bite of food… just so he couldn’t call her out on stalling or something.

From:

whose_son_am_i

"You're not wrong, but I also see you dodging it a bit. You state you want to do something kind, as yourself. But you also insist you are still a mage in training. So, does that mean you are always a mage, and never just yourself alone?"

From:

magusrobin

“I… don’t know…” That wasn’t a good enough answer. Chise sighed. “No… I’m not always a mage’s apprentice. But… I think that’s the foremost descriptor I can give myself…” After all, she was still figuring out where her place in the world was and what she wanted to do, both in and outside of Somnius. “But I don’t think I can discount it entirely. I’m myself, but also an apprentice. I’m human, but also a Sleigh Beggy. It’s like… you can be a friend with someone, but also more. Like Elias isn’t just my teacher…”

And it was that thought, as she trailed off and took a moment to process, that had her averting her gaze, a blush creeping up her cheeks.

From:

whose_son_am_i

That brought a rich chuckle from Loki. "Now Chise, you should know better than to leave an opening like that with one as curious as me." A gentle tease.

"But you are correct. People can have more than one role. They often have many they fulfill, and it can change from moment to moment." With a gentle smile, he continued. "So it would be up to you to figure out who you're being, and whether that means you can give recompense for kindness or not. Whether you want to."

From:

magusrobin

Chise did the best she could to let the blush fade from her face, focusing instead on what Loki said. Emerald gaze softening.

"Right... thank you. For the advice." She didn't want to seem like she was keeping secrets from him. "I'm still figuring some things out... and the past few months haven't been easy." But... it had been manageable, in part due to Loki's kindness.

From:

whose_son_am_i

"Don't think I'll just forget that tantalizing clue you just dropped. But I will let you recover from your blush. For now." Loki teased gently.

Letting that lie there for the moment, while he focused on the food and drink a bit. Hopefully she'd do the same.

From:

magusrobin

Chise hummed, equal parts embarrassment and acknowledgement, as she took the time to do just that: eat and cool the blush from her cheeks.

Several minutes of silence followed, in which she tried very hard to not think of what they had been discussing, until she felt level enough to speak again. Taking a sip of tea, she turned her attention back to her guest.

“Um… if you don’t mind me asking… how are you doing? We’ve been talking a lot about me, but… the reason I brought you here was to make sure you were alright…” And to give him a safe space to say whatever he wished, without people overhearing, though that was implied enough.

From:

whose_son_am_i

Well drat, Loki had hoped she'd might forget. A sigh, as...he wasn't necessarily opposed to talking to Chise? He actually appreciated the concern, and was getting used to the idea that it could be genuine from others. But he still did want some control over the topic and conversation.

"I am managing. I have been through similar before. How aware are you of what was going on and happening, while the Green Knight was here looking for Night Sky?"

From:

magusrobin

How aware had she been? Might as well start at the beginning…

“I know… I woke up to the Cottage being forest. To all of Somnius being forest, really. And there was this constant pain in my head… but it was also like a fog trying to creep in. Sometimes a voice, sometimes just… blankness. I assume that was the Knight?” She frowned slightly, whether she was aware of it or not. “I know… quite a few people fell under his enthrallment. I worked at the church to help heal those that had been hurt and… ran into a few who needed help otherwise.”

The way her gaze dropped back to her tea, it was like she was getting lost in the memories again. She hadn’t succumbed, but that hadn’t meant the voice was any less determined to reach out to her. Thankfully, it had faded with the Green Knight’s defeat. And in it’s wake had been left the emotional and physical devastation that a lot of the Dreamers showed signs of feeling.

From:

whose_son_am_i

"Night Sky fared the worse, as the Green Knight was from her past." Loki said quietly, informing Chise. Pausing to order his thoughts. "Thank you for your help with others. I'm glad you were able to resist the enthrallment, as well."

Okay, he was stalling. Even though it was important to acknowledge Chise's work because SHE did better when she felt useful.

"I resisted at first, until I encountered Night Sky under the Knight's control. She wounded me rather badly, and while I do have a regenerative healing factor of my own... My resources were taxed enough by it that I succumbed to the Knight's control."

Just going to let that hang there.

From:

magusrobin

“I only did what I could…” And it didn’t mean the Knight hadn’t tried to turn her. Chise was just glad the beaches and the like were gone… Still, she appreciated the praise.

She listened patiently to Loki’s explanation. Concise, detailed as usual. And with each sentence, the worry in her grew. She didn’t show him pity - he wouldn’t want that, but at the same time… “It wasn’t your fault.” She spoke on autopilot, honestly, so that none of her thoughts would be filtered. “Whatever you might have done, or not. But… I know that doesn’t make it right. Not being in control of yourself… it takes a toll on you.”

Chise herself had only had brief moments of that outside of Somnius, and she was still left with no answers. She couldn’t imagine what an extended incident, like with the Knight, would leave her feeling.

From:

whose_son_am_i

He didn't, and wouldn't want pity. Unfortunately, her automatic responses had him frowning and eyes-narrowing with a sharp look in them. He didn't lash out though or speak.

She was attempting to be sympathetic, and Loki could tell that. But unfortunately it was a prickly subject and the way she was going about it was not one that helpful to him. Not from her, and maybe not from anyone.

From:

magusrobin

"I'm... not that good at this..." She stared back at her tea, unsure of what to say or do. "There isn't anything I can say that will change what happened. I know that... but I'm here. To listen, or simply just as a presence. And the Cottage is quiet and disconnected so I figured... it might be a good break."

From:

whose_son_am_i

"You wish to allow me a place to speak, perhaps to attempt to process what happened to me, that is private." Loki stated, though it might've been a question too. Aloof, distant. "Why?" Because that was what he was the most curious about.

From:

magusrobin

She nodded, somewhat meekly. Chise herself was still figuring out how all of this worked but... she wouldn't lie to him.

"I'm sorry if it somehow causes you distress but... I do care." Her gaze left the tea cup to meet his. "Not just in the fact that you've helped me. Not just because it might be seen as the 'right thing to do'... you're more than just an acquaintance. More than just a teacher. I... see you as a friend, if that's alright..." Her pauses were not hesitation in what she spoke - it was the absolute truth. It was more that Chise needed time to process how properly she wanted to convey her thoughts. This was new for her... even with Elias, she still had trouble putting her true feelings into words. But she felt that this was important - her relation with Loki wasn't transactional to her. It was something she wanted.

From:

whose_son_am_i

Again he let her speak, remaining aloof and distant, but sharp blue-green eyes studied her. Noting those hesitations, the nerves, unflinchingly meeting her own gaze. Holding it for a long moment, before Loki nodded. Just like that, the distance was gone, the aloofness a mere shadow. A hint of a curl of smile around his mouth, as he picked up his glass of iced tea. "...Even with my months here, I am still not used to others caring about me, or for me." Then a slow blink, and a quieter and soft. "Thank you Chise. I would like to be friends too, besides having you as my student somewhat."

Edited Date: 2024-09-04 01:40 am (UTC)