magusrobin | Laby Inbox

As Chise opened the door to her cottage, she wasn’t overly surprised to see Loki - she had offered her cottage as a meeting place to him, and he had mentioned that he would message before arriving.

What she was surprised about, however, was what he carried.

“Loki, come on in. Um… what is all of this?”

"Even if I'm invited, I thought it'd be rude to show up empty handed. So I brought dinner." The large basket looked over-filled and heavy, but Loki was having no trouble with it.

Chise was stuck between gratitude and feeling like she had somehow inconvenienced him with all of the work… but she conveyed the former with a smile.

“I appreciate it, though you didn’t have to go through all of the trouble.”

A polite bow as she welcome him in, closing the door behind him. Though… maybe Loki bringing dinner was a better option than what she could provide. The interior of the living room was quite sparse, still filled with the standard furnishings all Cottages here came with, but there were little touches of habitation here and there - most notably, several notebooks and a bag full of knitting supplies on a nearby table. And no modern appliances, so Loki had come at the overtime time. “I had just been debating what to make for dinner. Please, feel free to make yourself at home.”

"I knew you'd say that, but I felt I did. So accept it." Loki countered, moving in quickly. He was taking notes as he entered though, and with her comment he chuckled. "I see my timing is perfect then, Chise. Glad to provide."

“I certainly won’t refuse.” She said with a smile. “Though I can at least provide refreshments, if needed. Would you like some tea? Or I have water too.”

She really was limited in what she could provide, but… Chise still wasn’t sure if she could trust the wishing crystal. Others had gotten what they wanted from it, but… the hesitation remained in the back of her mind.

"Do you mind iced tea? I can help with that." Loki replied with a smile. "Where should I place the food?" He was making a few mental notes.

“‘Iced tea’… I don’t mind it at all. Plus, it is good weather for it.” They were still in the heat of summer, and really she should have thought to offer something cold to drink. Her current living situations didn’t leave much room for options though.

“Oh!” The streak of embarrassment came through at his question - of course he wouldn’t want to assume where to place things. “Right on this table is fine.” She gestured to a longer table in the living room, allowing plenty of space for the food to be placed, as she grabbed a few cups and supplies from the kitchen.

"I'm sure I could heat the tea up too if you'd rather." Loki said with a soft chuckle. Placing the bags on the table, he started to unload the food. Hearty Bread and some kind of packed roasted animal, root veggies and some greens, honey cakes added as desserts or sides. Waiting until Chise had brought stuff back, before he'd offer her chair for her.

"You're still settling in, it's quite alright."

Chise’s own gaze softened as she watched Loki unpack, helping where she could.

“I appreciate it. Truly. …you would think I should be more acclimated to this place, after several months here.”

And in some ways, she had acclimated well: the schedule of intense periods followed by times of peace, the generosity of those here, and the fact she at least had a roof over her head were all things to be grateful for. But… some things were still difficult - the silence in the Cottage, for one.

“But we aren’t here to talk about that.” She gave an apologetic expression. More importantly… “How are you doing?” She couldn’t keep the concern from her voice - his network post had been vague but… she got the sense more had transpired with the Green Knight than he was comfortable saying publicly. Especially since the redhead hadn’t seen him at all during that stretch of time.

"Once we're sitting, and have had some food. It can wait until then." Loki said gently, but with authority. Helping Chise into her seat, he then took his own.

"Have you had trouble affording anything that would help? I also get the impression that while you can live on your own and survive, you're not used to it." A subtle prompt for her to ask for more than just what she might need, too. Especially since as tea was served, Loki let his eyes-glow briefly, before there were signs of condensation around their drinks. A handy use of cryomancy.

“Ah, right.” She nodded, thanking him with a polite nod as she sat. He was probably hungry. So food and conversation first… but she wasn’t letting him off the hook. She had to know he was somewhat alright before he left… and, if not, give him a safe space to voice anything that might have been bottled up. That was her goal.

Smiling at the condensation that dusted their glasses, his question caught her a bit by surprise. “Um… it’s not so much my being able to afford anything… I know the Shards are a bit tricky to keep track of, but that we earn them and don’t seem to run out. It’s more…” The girl hesitated for a moment, like she was debating whether it was smart to voice her thoughts. “I just don’t know whether I can trust it. The crystal, I mean. People have successfully wished for things and gotten them, so there isn’t a problem of if it works. I’m more concerned what, besides the Shards, we might be trading in exchange…”

A never-ending debate on her part. While Vaeros seemed to have made this place convenient for their comfort, she still couldn’t get rid of her wariness.

"Knowing you, you'd also worry for others who would get you stuff via wishing, because what might it be taking from them besides shards as well." It wasn't really a question, though Loki didn't know that with 100% certainty. He was sure he was right though.

"You're right to be cautious, but you also can't let that cautiousness keep you from doing what you need to. There is still much we do not know about this place. But I believe you can wish on the crystal. I'm not sure how to fully explain, at least over dinner, why I am saying that. It has to do with my theories on how everything works, what the shards are, so on."

A small hand wave to indicate the 'so on'.

"When I first arrived, I was suspicious too. But Alice--pending Gamora's approval--invited me to live with her at her cottage. She and Gamora already had basic utilities though, so I couldn't test the crystal that way. Nor did I want to test it by wishing for something I valued highly. So, with Winter coming, I wished for an upgrade to the cottage we lived in. A proper hearth and fireplace. It was a practical test."

Besides being a few other things.

“No, you’re right…”

In fact, it was almost scary how easily Loki had hit that particular point on the head too…

“Even if something wouldn’t be taken from me in the process of wishing, if any potential ill would come to someone in order for me to gain something…”

It didn’t sit well with her. Even though, inwardly, she knew she would provide that sacrifice for someone else in their stead.

Somehow, she wasn’t surprised that Loki had tested the system. Smiling softly, she glanced at him. “It’s good to know that it works. And I’m sure the process - and your theories - would take a long time to explain. That was nice of you, though.” And she would leave it at that, whether he would answer to it or was aware of the kindness he had done (she suspected he was, but still), it wasn’t her place to say.

A smile, one that gave no indication about whether he'd recognized everything he'd done with the test. More for her words. "It's not that complicated I don't think, but it's speculation mostly based on what I've been tracking and researching. We can discuss it some other time. My point is, I think you're safe to use the crystal to wish for things."

“That’s… good to know.”

The crystal works, and while she could take Loki’s word for it - she had no reason to distrust him otherwise - she would have to make a decision sooner or later.

“I feel like… I need to stop being stagnant. But I’m not sure what that looks like right now.”

She took a sip of the iced tea. All she knew for sure was that she hated feeling like she couldn’t help the people who had shown her kindness here. It was as simple as that. Any other ramifications that might come from her choices would have to be dealt with when they arrived.

Edited 2024-08-27 19:10 (UTC)

He listened, and took a drink of his iced tea. Blue-green eyes met her own though, with her words, and one eyebrow raised. Oh Chise, this is the wrong person to confess that to. Or perhaps the best person, if you want to fix it. Lowering his glass, he kept his attention on her.

"First, I would agree. Stagnation is rarely a good thing. That is part of our larger problem here--we're all stagnating because we can't properly deal with the overall problem and effect change and growth. Second, what would it look like. Not right now, but in general. How would you define not being stagnant while being here?"

“In general…” Loki’s question didn’t have an easy answer, not for Chise. Her gaze trailed to the glass, watching as condensation built, a water droplet trailing down the side, leaving a streak in the otherwise cloudy surface.

That question… it kept building up something akin to guilt in her. Because she knew the answer wasn’t simple, but she also knew that her perception of it was wrong.

The truth… that would at least help Loki to understand, she hoped.

“In the simplest terms, i guess I would say ‘being useful’ to everyone here. I’ve always struggled with that - equating my worth with usefulnesses. And I’ve been told by so many people that it isn’t a healthy way to think of myself.” Even BB had called Chise out on that, in her own way. “But… I still don’t understand why. Or feeling like, because it applies to me, I can’t accept it.”

Chise knew that much - that she could easily afford others the grace that she couldn’t give herself. Sacrificing herself in some form to benefit others… it was something she did without thinking, instinctually, almost like breathing.

“Elias told me… that my selfish requests are never for myself. But I’m not sure I agree with that. Even now, not wanting to be stagnant… be ‘useful’ to everyone here… is more for my own benefit. To ease what I’m feeling, more than to provide something for someone else.”

Even if, somewhere deep down, Chise could argue the logic in that - that helping others could be beneficial for both sides, somehow she couldn’t accept it without her own sacrifice.

She blushed suddenly, somewhat embarrassed. “I’m sorry if that doesn’t make much sense. I’m… still figuring it out.”

He listened patiently and attentively, though he also made sure they both had food too on their plates and bowls. Loki let her take her time, and he didn't respond right away when she finished. Giving her some space, although there was an amused little laugh at her apology.

"Figuring it out is good, so long as that process isn't the end goal." After a certain point, that became an excuse and crutch. Because one would never stop figuring it out really.

"From what I know about your upbringing and life, I'm not surprised that you equate your worth with how useful you are. It's not healthy, as you should value yourself for yourself. But I can see it's difficult for you to accept that, because you don't value yourself for yourself. You value yourself as a thing for others. You define your worth by someone else's standards and how much they value you for what you can do." Letting that all sit for a few seconds.

"Likewise, your requests are selfish and yet, not--as you recognize. Yes, you're doing for others, but you also are doing it because that's the only way you know how to value yourself. That kind of self-awareness is very good and rare, for what it's worth. Although I will remind you there's also nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes." With one half of his mouth curling up into a smile.

"More to your point, so to you--being not stagnant would be 'being useful' to everyone here. How do you define being useful, then? Also, eat."

Chise listened patiently, thinking it over. Loki was right, in quite a few things - her ‘figuring things out’ was not the end goal. It was a goal, but not where she ultimately would stop.

“Oh, right.” She didn’t want to waste the food that he had brought, so she took a plate, making sure to grab a bit of each, before politely taking a bite. “Thank you for the food.”

As she made sure to alternate between eating and talking from now on, she thought. “It’s… difficult in both aspects, I think. I’ve had so many people tell me to value myself, that they don’t expect things from me and yet… it doesn’t sink in. Not fully enough. My body often moves before my brain has processed it, in certain situations. So… I’m not sure what ‘being useful’ would look like here. I just get the feeling that I would know if I had done something.”

It wasn’t helpful, she knew, as the terms to define situations like that varied.

"You're overthinking it." Loki said, but he didn't mean it to be dismissive. "Or perhaps not thinking certain things through enough. How do you define being useful. You say you'd get a feeling you'd know. But that's not enough to figure it out. If you're going to actually and actively figure it out, give yourself concrete things to do."

Loki paused to let her consider that, while having some of the food himself. He'd brought good stuff and planned to enjoy it. He also doubted she'd accept, but he'd brought wine as well to share.

"Others may not expect anything. But what matters here is what you expect, and what you want. No one is going to tell you or make it easy."

Loki was right in that Chise stayed away from the wine, but she did enjoy the other options he had brought.

“I know. I know you’re right.” She stared down at her plate, thinking it through. Letting out a sigh. “I thought I was starting to figure it out… what I want… but overall, that doesn’t seem achievable here.” After all, the people that she considered her home were far removed from this place. But the long-term wasn’t only what Loki was asking about. Instead of answering, however, she asked a question of her own.

“How do you separate kindness from repayment?” It might have seemed obvious, from what Loki knew so far, but she was even having a difficult time telling herself not to figure out some way to ‘pay’ Loki back for the meal. That company and good conversation was probably payment enough for him. But she couldn’t help it. “Elias always says… as a mage, you can’t offer kindness without recompense. And while I’m not just a mage… I can’t help but follow those rules.”

And yet, even before she had been saved by Elias, everything in her life had been transactional. The people around her hadn’t wanted anything to do with her, so she had tried to make her existence so small so as to not be bothersome to others.

"Well, let me ask you a question in return. Are you acting as a mage, when you offer kindness or recompense? If you always feel the need to repay, are you then always acting as a mage?" He understood, given what he knew about her life so far, she might still feel things should be transactional. But he was hoping to help her tease it out herself. Figure out the finer points.

Edited 2024-08-28 19:46 (UTC)

“I don’t think so. I think… when I’m wanting to do something kind… I’m doing it as myself.” It wasn’t that being a mage meant you couldn’t be kind, it just meant you had to be more cautious of the gifts you imparted. “Even though Elias isn’t here, I’m still his apprentice. That makes me a mage… in training, at least. So his advice is always at the back of my mind.”

Maybe, she thought, it would be easier if she didn’t think of Elias while she was here. Didn’t think of home. But Chise already knew that wasn’t possible for her. Everything she had accomplished since she had met him, every step that she had taken since then… it wasn’t just under her own power. Elias had saved her, making it possible, and the people she had met along the way had given her support. So she couldn’t just discard him like that.

“Likewise, does not using magic mean you aren’t a magic user? Does being yourself mean you aren’t abiding by the rules and mannerisms you’ve been taught?”

Anther question that Chise wasn’t sure of the answer to. And she wasn’t wanting to grill Loki, but she was curious of the answer. Then, for good measure, she took a bite of food… just so he couldn’t call her out on stalling or something.

"You're not wrong, but I also see you dodging it a bit. You state you want to do something kind, as yourself. But you also insist you are still a mage in training. So, does that mean you are always a mage, and never just yourself alone?"

“I… don’t know…” That wasn’t a good enough answer. Chise sighed. “No… I’m not always a mage’s apprentice. But… I think that’s the foremost descriptor I can give myself…” After all, she was still figuring out where her place in the world was and what she wanted to do, both in and outside of Somnius. “But I don’t think I can discount it entirely. I’m myself, but also an apprentice. I’m human, but also a Sleigh Beggy. It’s like… you can be a friend with someone, but also more. Like Elias isn’t just my teacher…”

And it was that thought, as she trailed off and took a moment to process, that had her averting her gaze, a blush creeping up her cheeks.

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And WOW this got long ^_^’

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