“In general…” Loki’s question didn’t have an easy answer, not for Chise. Her gaze trailed to the glass, watching as condensation built, a water droplet trailing down the side, leaving a streak in the otherwise cloudy surface.
That question… it kept building up something akin to guilt in her. Because she knew the answer wasn’t simple, but she also knew that her perception of it was wrong.
The truth… that would at least help Loki to understand, she hoped.
“In the simplest terms, i guess I would say ‘being useful’ to everyone here. I’ve always struggled with that - equating my worth with usefulnesses. And I’ve been told by so many people that it isn’t a healthy way to think of myself.” Even BB had called Chise out on that, in her own way. “But… I still don’t understand why. Or feeling like, because it applies to me, I can’t accept it.”
Chise knew that much - that she could easily afford others the grace that she couldn’t give herself. Sacrificing herself in some form to benefit others… it was something she did without thinking, instinctually, almost like breathing.
“Elias told me… that my selfish requests are never for myself. But I’m not sure I agree with that. Even now, not wanting to be stagnant… be ‘useful’ to everyone here… is more for my own benefit. To ease what I’m feeling, more than to provide something for someone else.”
Even if, somewhere deep down, Chise could argue the logic in that - that helping others could be beneficial for both sides, somehow she couldn’t accept it without her own sacrifice.
She blushed suddenly, somewhat embarrassed. “I’m sorry if that doesn’t make much sense. I’m… still figuring it out.”
And WOW this got long ^_^’
That question… it kept building up something akin to guilt in her. Because she knew the answer wasn’t simple, but she also knew that her perception of it was wrong.
The truth… that would at least help Loki to understand, she hoped.
“In the simplest terms, i guess I would say ‘being useful’ to everyone here. I’ve always struggled with that - equating my worth with usefulnesses. And I’ve been told by so many people that it isn’t a healthy way to think of myself.” Even BB had called Chise out on that, in her own way. “But… I still don’t understand why. Or feeling like, because it applies to me, I can’t accept it.”
Chise knew that much - that she could easily afford others the grace that she couldn’t give herself. Sacrificing herself in some form to benefit others… it was something she did without thinking, instinctually, almost like breathing.
“Elias told me… that my selfish requests are never for myself. But I’m not sure I agree with that. Even now, not wanting to be stagnant… be ‘useful’ to everyone here… is more for my own benefit. To ease what I’m feeling, more than to provide something for someone else.”
Even if, somewhere deep down, Chise could argue the logic in that - that helping others could be beneficial for both sides, somehow she couldn’t accept it without her own sacrifice.
She blushed suddenly, somewhat embarrassed. “I’m sorry if that doesn’t make much sense. I’m… still figuring it out.”